Tess Exposé

I’m not into tearing stuff down, but how ’bout some balance here. First, I don’t get ANY credit at all. Then, why do we NEVER hear about what’s really interesting; what do Japanese cats eat? Plus, people should know: Tess is NOT a very good cook!
~~guest post by Gracie

So, I hate to break it to you people, but that handsome orange avatar is not Tess. That’s me, Gracie. I never gave permission for her to use my picture, but I guess it’s OK. Tess doesn’t like the way she looks, though me and Mr. Tess do. (I guess he must; it sure couldn’t be for the food that he sticks around)

I’ve been around from the days when Tessie actually knew how to cook. I was just hanging around the neighborhood once upon a time, and this awesome fragrance pulled me like a dog leash into the back yard where this red-haired lady had a huge salmon on a barbecue grill. Even then she was developing bad cooking habits, but I ignored the stink of dill, onions and garlic, ’cause the salmon smell was overpowering and I was really hungry. I don’t ‘member if I got any of that fish, but I never left.

I used my charm on Tess and her family. I have this really cute purr and this sort of submissive approach (’til I get what I want anyway) that got them to start letting me in the house when the snow got deep outside. I guess that’s why they started calling me Gracie, when they would let me out at night and would say “G’night Gracie,” because they thought only a girl cat could be so cute. Plus, when they tried to look under the fur between my back legs I was not a bit submissive.

Big surprise when they took me to see the vet for the first time! But by then it was too late to call me by some boy name, and I don’t care what they call me, ’cause girl cats only have a vague interest for me since the time… well, let’s not go into that.

But this is s’posed to be a food blog right? So listen up, foodies! All those pictures my mom, Tess, posts; how come there’s never any pictures of what she makes us cats eat? I mean Friskies Liver and Chicken Dinner has a heady bouquet with delicate hints of entrails, but how ’bout presentation for Pet’s sake! Does she think we don’t care how our dinner looks?
Tess spends so much time arranging weird, useless stuff like tofu and daikon so she can take pictures of it. Then, when it’s time for our one meal of wet food, it’s “Glop! Plop!” Scoop it out of the can, throw it in some old bowl that Mr. Tess found at the recycle center, and put it on the floor  I hope cats in Japan get better aesthetic treatment.

I’m not sure I want to hear about what those nekos eat, though. Tess tried to give me that Tofu stuff once. Is that what Ms. Shimbo gives her cats?
Don’t give Tessie any ideas!

The best thing I can say about her cooking Japanese food is she doesn’t ruin good food with garlic all the time now. She finds other ways to ruin it now. Like the time she got this beautiful, pink piece of tuna and soaked it in stinky wine and vinegary stuff and rolled it around in some black sesame seeds before burning the outside of it. What a waste! Sashimi is about the only good thing so far , but it seems like they make me go outside whenever they have that at dinner.

I know Tess likes raw meat, and she doesn’t like to share, because whenever she sees me catch mousies, (and sometimes I even bring them to her, ’cause I do like to share and she’s always promising me that she’ll fry them in butter for me). If I leave them alone for a second, they disappear before I get a chance to eat them. She tells Mr. Tess that she doesn’t want me to get parasols or something, but I’m pretty sure she eats the little delicacies all by herself.

So, dear readers, just because my mom makes her meals look pretty don’t assume she really knows how to make it taste like real food.

…that’s my tale, and I’m sticking to it…

26 thoughts on “Tess Exposé

  1. Official rebuttal of this guest post:
    I must have left my lap-top open and logged in recently. I don’t recall asking Gracie to write a guest post here.
    I must also point out that Gracie is not a good speller so I suspect some collaboration with Mr. Tess.
    Now that I’ve learned your opinion, just remember that when you get kicked out of bed…

  2. Gracie, you should have said that’s my “tail” not “tale!” Silly Kitty!

    What about Mikey! He can open a bottle of treats all by himself! What does Mikey like?

  3. Hi Gracie, I just wanted to say hi and that I think you’re really cute. Are you dating anyone? I’m far away but I can type. Love, Harp Malarky (Gigi’s cat)

  4. Gracie, if I had known you were going to post nothing but pictures of yourself, I don’t know if I would have helped you with the spelling. I knew you were vain, and you are certainly good looking, but this is, after all, a food blog, not a pin-up mag. I would have thought we’d at least get some photos of color coordinated kibble.

  5. Priceless post!

    Loved it!

    I have to say, though – I was scrolling down in anticipation to see the “real” Tess showing up, but… no luck. Not yet.

    too bad, I know she is a beautiful woman….

  6. Perfect, Tess, just perfect. What does Woody Allen know? Writing funny takes a great deal of talent. Stupid man, anyway.

    • Marcia,
      Are you mixing up Woody Allen with Gracie Allen?
      Gracie was the love of life and more for George Burns. True love, forever. I didn’t see/hear them the first time around, but in movies and sound recordings…
      Sad when he did all those jokes about being so old and then playing the voice of GOD. He was interesting, but he and Gracie: they were a team.

      • Tess, I’m a fan of Burns and Allen as well, but I speak of a comment Woody Allen made about how writing funny was an accident and not talent. He always wanted to be Ingmar Bergman, heaven help him.

        I did wonder if your Gracie was named for Gracie Allen. She’s charming and a fine writer as well, but a trife unkind to you, I fear.

        Were you ever able to watch the old Burns and Allen TV show? Innovative, and still funny. It’s amazing how well their humor has held up.

        • Marcia,

          I was surprised that you would have confused Gracie with Woody! He’s also not a favorite of mine…but I’d not heard that remark.

          (btw, I didn’t write this post. my husband did~it’s some of the patter between us when the cats “talk” LOL)

          I was too young to be interested in Burns and Allen when they were on TV—or maybe my parents didn’t like the show. That was back when most people had only one television set! But I could swear I’ve seen re-runs of at least some of the programs.

          And of course, the radio shows were/are rebroadcast on “Old-Time-Radio.” The station I listened to changed formats a few years ago so I don’t know if it’s even around now…

          • WAMU from American University in Washington DC still has “Old-Time=Radio” on Sunday nights at 7 pm. If you have web radio you can listen to it. We have a nice Sunday dinner listening to Johnny Dollar and Gunsmoke.

          • Tess, I haven’t heard any of the radio shows, but the TV ones were rerun for quite a while on some channel or other.

            Do check them out should you ever have the chance.

  7. Gracie is surely a beautiful and and beguiling kitty! Mr. Tess was totally duped into co-authoring such a shameless plug! Oh, what the beautiful can get away with! Indeed Tess is an amazing cook, and you are indeed fortunate to have such a loving and talented Mommy. Want to eat like a real Neko? Got rice?

    • Yes, I’m beautiful enough to get away with waking them up at 4 am so I can go outside. Then 5 am seems a good time to come back in so I can get some sleep on their legs.

      Rice!!! No—that is just too silly. I don’t believe it!

  8. Gracie,

    Have you read “I Am a Cat” (Wagahai wa neko de aru) by Natsume Sōseki? I think you would enjoy it!


    • Hi Tsutomu,

      Thank you for the recommendation. I don’t actually read: typing, yes, reading not so much. I like to lay on the Sunday Times when Tess and J are trying to read.

      Maybe Tessie will read it to me. I think she really likes your suggestion.

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